You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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