just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
