this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
