if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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