apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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