you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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