i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
