I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
