i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
