Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize