...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
