i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
