Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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