If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
