Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
