census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
