Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
This girl is more easily done than said...
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
