booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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