I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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