Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
