my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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