You really coming over, don't trick.
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
