I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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