Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Randomize