So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
