if you like me you must not know who I am
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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