Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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