can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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