the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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