Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize