Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
