Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
