if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Randomize
