3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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