Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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