I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
