I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
