I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
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