Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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