you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
