If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
