apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
