my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
