sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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