when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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