we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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