I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
