Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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