I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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