My sheets look like a crime scene.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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