i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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