I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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