i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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