I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
