the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
