I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize