Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
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