You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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