She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
