i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
